A few weeks ago, someone asked me what my flaws were. At the time, I could only think of one, which would be my complete lack of patience. I answered with this because it was not only the sole flaw that came to mind, but it was also the first one someone new in my life might notice; as well as one I have made many an effort to adjust. Since then, I have been secretly taking notes on anything the people close to me have said regarding my demeanor or their experiences with me. So, for the last two weeks, these are the flaws noticed by my friends and family.
1. The Gold Standard
Nobody is perfect. It’s a symptom of the human condition. But not being perfect doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try my hardest… right? Why not attempt to please everyone, drive myself to be the best I can, or try to push the people around me to try their best as well. Holding myself to this impossible standard spreads me so thin that I never fully commit, or sometimes complete, my current objective. And to be perfectly honest, it’s a miracle that I’ve made it so far with my education, my family, or anything for that matter.
I heard before that the road to ruin is paved with tears and good intentions. An example would be what I’ve done to myself within the last month. I’ve taken my wife to hell and back, dragged my friends through the dirt, and emotionally suffocated my own advancement, all in an attempt to achieve my own selfish desires. I am the sole proprietor to these events and have since accepted that. However, my wife’s trust in me is forever faltered, I pushed my friends so hard that they lost faith in me, and I reached a breaking point I haven’t seen in years. In an effort to reach this gold standard I set for myself, one that also gets inflicted on me, I push myself until I can’t push anymore. Only after I see the fallout of my actions do I realize that being human is to fail, be flawed, and recognize imperfectness. I hope someday I can wholeheartedly believe that I can be more than what I am and still find it in me to accept any incident that I am not.
2. Public Judgement
I pride myself in finding the courage to accept constructive criticism and use it as a tool to grow, to change based on how other people see me. This can be just as much important to self development as it is to realize any faults on your own. What I do find myself not being able to accept is criticism that is not constructive. Someone tells me something that I did wrong without giving the input I need to promote progress, I get a bit aggressive. I’ve been trying to convince myself that people are the way they are. Most can only point out something you did wrong, even in a sea of greatness, without ever trying to give recommendations that you can build on. That’s something I can never change, and something I need to accept.
3. The I in Happiness
What is happiness? Is it bliss? Or maybe a feeling of complete joy? To be happy is to be at a state of complete satisfaction. Unfortunately, I don’t know what that is anymore, or how it feels. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been pursuing this immensely. However, self-sacrifice and high-spirits don’t coexist together, which leaves me stuck in this infinite loop of semi-despair and pseudo-content; a living purgatory. I get a taste of it from time to time, like when I am with my son. However, I’m instantly reminded of mine own incompetence…
4. Like Father, Like Son
…My son is the most important thing in my life, but I am unable to find a way to show him. I would go to the ends of the earth to prove my love, yet I struggle to demonstrate in a viable way that states, “Hey you, I love you”. I mean, him and I get along great and he loves to see me and do things with me, and even goes out of his way to make sure he gets recognition of how proud I am of him. There’s just this… detachment that I can’t seem to overcome. I keep telling myself that it will get better as he gets older, which is absolutely has. And even though there has been an effort, it just hangs over my head like a rain cloud on a sunny day.
Original Notes I hold myself to an impossible standard. Ultra sensitive - can't take criticism Struggle to connect with my son Lost what makes me happy